I was telling my mom an incident that happened to me during childhood in Melaka, where my mom bought me a really pretty and big plastic Minnie Mouse ruler and I even kept the plastic because I liked it so much when a 12 year old girl came up to me, asked to look at my pretty pencilcase and took it away from me. Not to mention I actually walked on foot to another village in search of this girl. I was 7.
So it goes a friend of mine had a Mickey Mouse ruler, and when I went out shopping with my mom I saw a Minnie Mouse version and mom got it for me. I was so happy (I’m a girl I love stationery) and brought it to school. Carefully I kept it back in its plastic cover after using it. That afternoon after school I packed my whole pencil case and walked in the Sun to my neighbour’s house. Her house and my house were separated by a huge drain which the rowdy, tough chick like I am used to cross via the drainage pipe but that day, I was carrying my beloved pencilcase (I am a girl).
As I was walking (it’s a long walk) a big girl, about 12, on her bike stopped me to admire my pencilcase. She asked if she could see it. I said sure, the point of pretty stuff is to be seen anyway. And then she took out my beautiful Minnie Mouse ruler. She told me she needed a ruler and she wants to borrow mine and will return it. What do you say to a girl three times bigger than you on a big bike? You don’t say no, you just say yes.
She never returned it. I remember waiting for her outside my house (she usually cycles outside) but she never came. Once I saw her cycling as usual, ran to her and asked her for my ruler, she cried “I left it at home!” So I waited and waited again. One day I couldn’t stand it anymore I, without knowing where she lived in the first place, set off to walk towards the village on my own. It was the year 1999 in Melaka, maybe a quarter of the place was developed and the others were still in kampong. I lived in the neighbourhood, don’t know what told me that girl lived in the kampong lol.
After that I only remember seeing her only once. We were outside and she said hi to my mom while ignoring me. I thought “How could you say hi to my mom while you took and never returned my ruler?”
Mom asked me, “How come you never told me about any of this?”
I don’t know either, but then it occurred to me that that means I’ve always never liked telling people things that happened to me? Or did that incident make me sort of fierce? Or am I secretive?
I remember a girl hating me, for don’t know what reason either but I felt nothing. Again, my mom claimed that she knew nothing about it.
Could it be that I had no feeling therefore my mom didn’t see anything wrong, or have I always been great at burying my feelings deep down and then only getting them out here on her blog fifteen years later? That ruler was very pretty and I used to wish everyday I hadn’t lent her my ruler.
It’s like a Hatred Monster kept in a prison cell but its claws can still reach you and scar you, get what I mean?
The girl that hated me: I still remember her name and LOL just found her on Facebook. She looks the same.
Suddenly, last night, I had panic attacks over the thought of going social. My breathing went from lub dub lub dub lub dub to lubdublubdublubdublubdublubdublubdub and my hands starting feeling cold and I don’t know why, a surge of worry just washed me like a bucket of water being poured over my head.
Thankfully (maybe), at the same time, I was talking to an old acquaintance and I told him about what I was feeling. I have never told anyone about my social anxieties because nobody ever gets it, but since I told that old acquaintance, I shall bring it up in this blog as well.
I suffer from social anxieties. I am the real socially awkward even though that term is old now, but I’ve never used the term on myself because I TRY to be social and I don’t want to be awkward.
But why am I using it on me now? Probably because I realise that that’s what I am now.
I get these anxieties because people like to leave me hanging. I’m the person people come to talk to every now and then when they have problems and then leave me when they don’t. I’m their unpaid and uneducated psychiatrist/consultant/sometimes-I-remember-you-when-I-need-you-friend. That part, I don’t really care about. I’ve just been lending everyone my heart and ears and eyes for a long time that they didn’t know I have a mouth.
What gives me the social anxieties is the fact people don’t know how to respond to me in times where it doesn’t involve their problems, NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TO SAY. Nobody knows how to respond to my jokes, nobody knows how to respond to my questions, nobody knows how to respond to my conversation: they like to leave me hanging!
Which leaves me with this two questions: Why? and Why?
I can come up with anything people say or tell me, as long as you don’t leave me hanging.
I rather have someone tell me with a “touché” to recognise my genius than not say anything. Yes, be aware and let me know you know of my ability to leave everyone literally speechless.
I feel unliked/disliked all the time over this that I prefer to just sit in my own shell and laugh at what a genius wordplayer I am.
The other day I saw an ask.fm question, “Do you think it’s humane to eat meat?” and that person replies “I think it’s okay once in a while.” I thought that wasn’t an in-depth, not well thought of answer at all! WHY IS IT ONLY OKAY ONCE IN A WHILE? Why would you be interested in asking someone who doesn’t think when he answers?
Just because he’s popular and takes cute selfies of course!
And then people will tell me they feel sad for me I don’t have friends.
It’s just that nobody knows how to handle geniuses like me. *flips my fabulous unfashionable tudung*