Sharing Some of Hakim’s Pictures

Last week I blogged about meeting an old friend for a photography project I had in mind. Sadly, then my idea was sketchy and I was probably facing some mental blockage that I really did not know what I wanted the pictures for. Now I do, I guess…….

Anyway I engaged my friend Hakim Ahmad to take the pictures and I was nervous partly because he’s a stationary photographer: he’s able to show a building’s character (yes I believe everything has a character/soul) through his photography but I had doubts about him with objects with real life that’s not a cat. He’s almost never taken pictures of humans and since the beginning of knowing him I’ve always told him he’s better at buildings and landscapes.

Maybe that means I’ve been a bad friend for not encouraging him to explore the ~unknown~ but hey I’m glad I asked him to help me out with my project. I don’t talk photography but I know it must be difficult to shoot in film 1984 vintage camera (he likes the challenge, I’m nervous about the surprise), outdoors and with an extremely unphotogenic model.

I sent him a link on how to  shoot unphotogenic people and it turns out he didn’t bother reading it either! Ah well!

About the pictures: Love how rusty and pretty the colours are. Looks like a blast from the past. Pictures were taken in Japanese and Chinese Garden in Singapore.

So here are SOME OF the pictures! I’m planning to keep the rest of them for my own work later this year. I’ll add my own thoughts on the pictures in the captions. Let me know what you think of them:


What is that awkward half smile? I feel like from a 1970s TV Show (I’ve never watched a 1970s show, I think had colour then?) . The colours are so beautifully subtle.

Salamahafifi Khatir

I should’ve put on eye makeup and lol @ my brother’s exercise injury. Love how we’re sharpened and the background are blending in harmony what the heck did I just write but that’s how it feels.


I should’ve smiled more? The contrast in the colours though; so much love.


I remember telling Hakim that I was feeling really really icky before we shot this. Singapore is HOT and HUMID and true enough that’s what I look like: icky. The colours, though, are so so so so so so so so so so so so so mesmerizing it kinda makes me wish I lived in this photograph.


Wow I think I need a jaw surgery but I like it’s kinda candid I think? Not much comment about the colours except for the brown in the bench it’s bistre so so pretty. I wish I was a colour. Oh right I am brown.

Do you see how much I’m gushing over the pretty colours. My favourite colours ARE Pink, Green and Brown. I think Hakim, myself (for wearing a pink tudung) and nature did a fantastic job at blending the colours in unison and showing a message of tranquility and peacefulness. I don’t like my face in any of them but the colours actually make up for them (ha ha did you get the unintended pun).

But hey, I’m actually happy I did this with NO MAKEUP at all. This whole #nomakeup thing represents where I am at this current stage of life: trying to be okay with just me.

Good luck.

I Am: Overcoming Self Issues

I used to subscribe to different people to read about their success stories and in a way it made me feel as if I was going to be one of them. One day I just decided to unsubscribe to everybody because I felt that I didn’t need their distractions in my email and it turns out I have totally forgotten about them.

In my email now I am overwhelmed by Groupon deals, Travel Packages, The Sims 4, Hotel Promotions: Stuff I cannot afford. These email marketers are as if trying to remind me of the things I could have if I did this and that. While deleting these unread emails I think about how materialistic these stuff are and they are reasons why I shouldn’t work for mountainous amounts of money.

Of course, I’m wrong. I shouldn’t have unsubscribed to anything because even though I barely skim through their emails, at least I kept at the back of my mind that I am working to be just like them. I’m wrong because I should make mountainous amounts of money because my ultimate worldly goal is actually an achievable one: to open a no-kill cat shelter (and get a selfie with Kim Jong Kook, and be fluent in Quran,…etc).

It’s easy to forget the things you really want to do.

“Mountainous amounts of money” is actually freedom, if carried right.

So I opened my work plan notebook which I chucked far far away and found this:

I am

My heart sank when I read this:

I am willing to promote myself and my values.
I act in spite of fear.
I am bigger than my problems.

Sadly, I have spent a lot of time doubting myself.

I have strong values, but I keep them with me.

Truth is, despite my strong outer personality, I am actually easily intimidated.

But I am bigger than my problems, and I will act in spite of fear. I am also willing to promote myself and my values.

Just this morning I was feeling sorry for myself over my self-esteem issues and how I’m a silent sufferer – the fact that I’m such a grand actress nobody knows I actually have pretty bad mental and emotional issues and how I am dealing with everything myself blah blah blah until I told myself to STOP.

Stop it, Fifi. Nobody’s going to care. I chose to have self-esteem issues. I chose to feel ugly. I chose to feel like a total loser. I chose to think that nobody liked me. Life is about choices. I can choose to feel whoever I want to be.

I choose to be brave, kind, intelligent, humourous, polite, quick-witted, proactive, helpful, nice, modest…..the list is non-exhaustive.

The other day shopping time I told myself to cheer up and be friendlier than I have been the past couple of months (yes I’ve been really gloomy and unfriendly). And hey, I was trying on some shoes and the store assistant genuinely laughed at the jokes I cracked. I know I’m good at spotting out a polite or a mockery laugh and this guy was laughing for reals.

It felt good to be able to turn around my down-ness into someone’s laugh. It’s something I used to always do.

Welcome back Fifi?


Can Man and Woman Be “Just Friends” ?

The answer to my question Can Man and Woman Be “Just Friends” is an obvious one: No.

I gave it a pretty long thought to come up with that one-word, two letters answer.

A couple years ago I thought about this and 15 year-old me answered “Of course they can! Why can’t we be just friends? I feel nothing for him! Nothing will happen!”

Now, thinking about it: nope nope nope nope nope.

What I think FRIENDS mean: mutual care for each other without feelings of romance or sexual desires.

Please don’t think I’m being braggy/draggy whatsoever, if you’re a girl I know you are going through what I went through and maybe agree with some points of this blog.

I preferred being “friends” with guys over girls. I just felt that I clicked better with guys than with girls. No girl sane enough would like to mix with my kind of weird and “humour”.

Let’s say you’re in a group of guys where you’re the only girl. You either give your “attention” to only one guy or give equal “attention” to all of them. Attention here refers to cheer up/good morning texts, motivation etc. We felt it’s okay because that’s who we are, we are friendly and we are also naive and stupid for thinking that friendship with guys can work that way without them falling for us.

Here, in Nouman Ali Khan’s mini lecture, he said girls are naive and that we don’t realise the “elaborate scheming of men” befriending the girls. This coming from a guy himself, so I trust he knows what he’s saying.

After watching this video thinking about what they said; though I may not have realised it then, I realise now that of all the guys I’ve befriended at least 80% have confessed to me that they’re somehow one way or another attracted to me.

I would laugh at how ridiculous it sounds, because I did nothing to attract anyone; I’m just being me. I’d ignore the confession and the next thing I knew we’d have grown apart. I didn’t really think anything about it because I thought I’m not the sort to brood over a friendship that didn’t work over distance…

But I was wrong. It’s not because of distance. It was the fact that he liked me, and I didn’t return the feelings so he just moved on to find another girl who eventually will.

Guys can be so funny sometimes huh?

Is that all they see in us? Love? Fulfillment? Bucket lists?!

Girls, please, please please for the sake of our fragile little hearts, please do not submit to anyone who wants you without marriage. Marriage seals the deal and anything before marriage he can do with anyone else. We’re only special when he wants to bring us home to meet his parents. AND WHEN WE CAN MAKE HIM KNEEL. Otherwise we’re just another one he shot and didn’t miss.

In Islam, there are no specifications saying that men and women are not allowed to socialise but

  1. the Prophet (saw) did not have female friends  (we’re supposed to follow things he did you see)
  2. he also advised us to STAY AWAY from Zina. He didn’t say DON’T DO ZINA. He said STAY AWAY. Which means if you stayed away you won’t do it duh.
  5. and my favourite of all, the hadith “Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them.”

Number one is obvious.

Number two means if you think your “friendship” can be jeopardized by one falling for the other or something, stay away. If you really do fall in love then meet her father, ask for a proposal. I do not believe in dating before marriage for Muslims. I believe there is great blessings with love after marriage. No you’re not allowed to get to know me. Unfortunately my package did not come with a right-click-click-settings-properties to read about my details free. It unlocks itself when marriage happens lol.

Lower your gaze – your eyes are windows through your souuuulll. A guy can fall in love with you by just looking at your eyes. Therefore lower it.

No touching means no handshaking, obviously and definitely no congratulatory hugs and let me fall if I were to fall.

“Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them” will be my personal experience:


I understand that us women are needy too. We want to be loved and we are way more capable at loving than being loved. When a guy likes us we naturally feel flattered and think “Hey, why not give him a chance?”

That’s why I said I laughed at how ridiculous it sounds. Because I see myself as generally unattractive and uninteresting, “Why would anyone like me?” and I know many girls feel the same about themselves (there’s just too many fake women out there that us natural people feel inferior sometimes). That’s where/when these wolves come in and we feel happy someone actually likes us.

Because men are stupid and Men Are All Like That, they will break our hearts. If they’re man enough they’d come back to restore it or else we’ll just end up hurting over this wound. Pity and salute the final guy who comes to take this broken heart.

The reasons why I’ve never been in a relationship is because:

1) It’s haram,
2) I don’t want my future husband to be hurting from his previous relationship therefore I have to keep myself away from any relationships so it’s fair,
3) This video:

First heard this song when I was 12 or 13. Back then I was so inspired by this (I still am actually), how it tells me that I shouldn’t feel needy and I can do anything without a man. This was my motivation song, man. It tells me girls should be strong and independent.

HOWEVER, I think we girls NEED guy friends who are “just friends” so that you don’t fall easily when another guy sweet talks you, so that you’ll know when to exit when you see his friendly gaze change, so that you know that you’re not being taken for a ride etc.

I don’t have any friends now, and I no longer talk to any guys especially not the ones I just met (haram!), except for this guy named Hakim who somehow sticks around on and off since secondary school. I don’t talk to him when he has a girlfriend. Reason being if I had a boyfriend I wouldn’t want him to secretly nor openly talk to another girl and possibly complain to her about me so I will not be that “other” girl either, even if we’re “just friends”.

If he has his girlfriend, he doesn’t need to talk to me right?

Yep, that’s it. Guys at any one time should only have one girl friend. It becomes a definite factor when the two words gets combined. (should underlined because it’s a suggestion)

Anyway, “just friends” or not, me and Hakim are still haram. Which means yes, the above mentioned rules are applied: lower your gaze, no touching and “Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them.”

The hadith is applied to texting and phone calls too, you know. A one-way conversation between you and another guy is considered an “alone time” therefore the third party is Satan. How do I halalify this? My family knows my phone pin and they are free to read or check my messages with anybody they want. Once I met this guy everyone was keen for me to meet, and I didn’t want to talk to him on the phone (haram haram haram) so we talked online. My parents read my entire conversation without me knowing and I was embarrassed for him because guys are like that; they act so nice in front of parents but when they think they’re alone talking to you they become flirty lol. So embarrassing for him.

Back to my guy friend Hakim: This shameless girl, trying to keep up with the Islamic laws, asked him if he liked me. He said nope. I knew it, but just had to confirm it. We both genuinely know we’re not each other’s types which is why I’m somewhat more comfortable talking to Hakim because I know he wouldn’t fall for me.

1) Lowering the gaze: All street-smart girls know what “looks” from the eyeballs attracts men, so I don’t give any of that to anybody unless I need something (lol don’t read my blog please).

2) No touching obviously.

3) Travel with a mahram whenever I’m going to meet another guy.

A mahram is someone you can’t marry, like your brother or father or grandfather or uncle idk who else …your cat (jk).


This is how it’s permissible for a guy and a girl to be friends in Islam, in my opinion.

Hakim the Photographer who has an eye for good angled pictures said “Look at this space in between us.”

Salamahafifi the Modern yet Quite Traditional Thinking Girl replied “It’s called the Haram Space.”

“Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them” – the third party is my brother. :)

Oh shucks did I break a non-disclosure contract?

When I hear myself

I heard myself say the things I never thought I’d say. Again.

I heard myself say the things I thought I’d never say again.

I heard myself say the things I never thought I’d say. Ever.

I heard myself say the things I never thought I’d ever say.

I was this close.

But I’d like to think of myself as strong.

I tell myself I’m strong.

But I don’t hear it.

Oh shut up.

I Wanna Be The Very Best

I don’t know when or how I fell in love with the Quran and its contents. It’s recent, maybe a couple years back. Obviously, I don’t know how Allah works but I just fell in love with it. Maybe it was because I was trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I wanted to figure out what Allah wants from me, and how I can be the Best Muslim I can. Aaaaaaaaaand then I was told about what the Prophet Muhammad (saw) said:

“The best among you (Muslims) are those who learn the Quran and teach it.”

Masha Allah, how apt. At first I was scared and confused when reading the Quran and its translation from the front, until I find its beauty reading it backwards. Yes, from Juz Amma. Because the Quran did not come down all at once like how it is beautifully arranged now; it came down verse by verse. But now the Quran is arranged according to its length. So my personal unqualified advice to those who want to experience the beauty of Quran translated: read it from the back.

That would be from #114 Surah An-Nas (The Mankind).

Say, “I seek refuge in the Lord of mankind,
The Sovereign of mankind.
The God of mankind,
From the evil of the retreating whisperer -
Who whispers [evil] into the breasts of mankind -
From among the jinn and mankind.”

Reading it from the first surah from the back already tells us that we are to submit to Allah, only He.

I’ve had people tell me they’re interested in reading the Quran but -spills a bucket of ice-filled excuses-. Here’s why you, a Muslim, should read at least a page of the Quran daily:

  • When your grave is opened for you (when you die), you will meet a man who will ask you, “Do you recognise me?” which you will reply “I do not recognise you.” He will reply “I am your companion the Quran who kept you thirsty on hot days and awake at nights. Every merchant benefits from his business and today you will benefit from your good deeds.”
  • Your parents will be clothed with priceless garments never before seen in the world. They will ask, “Why are we clothed like this?” “Because your son used to recite the Quran.” Then it will be said to him: ‘Recite and ascend in the degrees of Paradise,’ and he will continue to ascend so long as he recites, either at a fast pace or a slow pace .”

Amazing isn’t it?

We make investments for our current temporary, destructive life but not for our permanent abode. #rethinklife

Spend your life going crazy over song lyrics and maybe a man in the form of song lyrics will come too, haha. (I am one of them lolz maybe I will have two men coming to me woo hoo)

If you are interested in learning how to read the Quran, insha Allah I can teach you the basics. Feel free to contact me.


Here’s my mom’s Quran I call a “baby” Quran because it has all the tajweed rules highlighted for the reader which is a great idea. I use this because sometimes I forget the rules as well.


Here’s my personal Quran which I love very much, bought it when I was 12:

Anyway I don’t know if I’m getting my ijazah in Quran this term, because I am being tested with difficulty in pronouncing the Arabic letters from the throat with this taking-a-long-time-to-recover flu. The throat letters are what I’m having difficulty pronouncing: ق ع ح ة

Okay maybe the WHOLE Arabic letters especially with the nasal sounds etc it can be really uncomfortable reciting with this flu ya Allah forgive me.

Personal story: I read somewhere that if you have difficulty sleeping at night, pray that you’ll meet the Prophet (saw) in your dreams. It is a great honour to meet the Prophet because the Syaitans cannot take after his face in dreams. If someone in your dreams told you you’re looking at the Prophet, it is the Prophet. It can vary in dreams because if you had messages from “your mom” or someone you can’t be sure if it’s really from your “mom”, you see. Get what I mean?

So one night I couldn’t sleep and prayed to meet my beloved Rasullulah (saw). After a bit of tossing and turning I finally slept and dreamt of a man trying to teach me how to pronounce the ق. He was dressed in white, looked big and Arabic with a beard and trying to teach me how to pronounce the ق!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (the one I have a lot of difficulty pronouncing. The ق point of pronunciation is somewhere near your tonsils at the back of your throat or something, my non-native Arabic tongue is not trained). The Quran is not Arabic as in it originated from Arab, it had its own uniqueness that even the Arabs then were amazed and learnt it. The Quran language is language from Allah swt, taught to Jibril a.s and then taught to Muhammad saw. Muhammad (saw) then taught his companions who taught their families and that’s where we’re at. I don’t know if that dude really was the Prophet, but that dude whom I’ve never seen before wanted to teach me proper ق pronunciation.

 And then this orange boy woke me up:



Meeting an Old Friend

Last Friday someone cancelled on me, and that’s the amazing thing about having faith that things happen for a reason: an old friend of fourteen years asked me if I received her message regarding her invite to her mini tea party that day.

Of course I received the message. But what happened was I didn’t read it. Her school is all the way at the other end of Malaysia (Perlis) and I thought “Why not?”

So I brought my only other sibling left in the country, my brother, on a 30 kilometers highway journey to her house.

My friend’s name is Nadia Shahira, and we were primary school friends in my old (full) Islamic School here in Johor. Yes, I actually have a background in Islamic education – it’s not something new that I just adopted ha ha ha ha just kidding.

We were also neighbours. To get to her house I would need to climb down an elevated drain across a park. Once my parents had some errands to do in Singapore for a couple of days so they left me at Shahira’s place.

Basically, she’s my childhood friend. When I moved back to Singapore we kept in touch through snail mail, and then I downloaded the Y! Messenger just because she had it and then we lost touch. When I came back to Johor in 2010 we met for a short while, but it was really really brief (just lunch) that nothing really happened.

So last Friday, for the first time in my life, with no sense of directions at all….I relied on Sheikh Google Maps to show me the way, and we safely arrived.


Here’s my date:


It was really nice to finally see her again. She was in Med School in Egypt, but her parents took her out when the whole chaos went on. She continued her education in Malaysia. Her older sister’s an intern doctor, her younger brother is a med student as well and her parents are doctors. It really runs in the family.

My cutie friend:


She then told me she still keeps the letters I sent to her. I felt kind of guilty because having moved so many times, I don’t know where I kept hers! I do have a box where the Valentines’ Day cards and letters are around, so I think hers is somewhere there too. #badfriend

I love receiving and sending handwritten letters. Took this picture below because I thought it was funny I wrote “Friends Forever!” to her. Ten years ago when I wrote that, did I know that I would actually drive up north to meet her? Ah, adulthood. (my terrible handwriting remains)


We went outside to her garden to take pictures. She even took out a chair for me to sit on.


When I saw her trying different filters for our picture, I saw that she used a picture of us from afar. I asked, “Why did you choose the one which our faces can’t be seen?” “I like details.”

I think this is beautiful. Because I’m always around people who have the same interests as me, and being apart for so many years obviously made the distance in similar interests even more distant. She likes details of the sceneries while I like the details in the uniqueness of our faces. Ah, being human.

The three of us (plus her brother who is in uni) used to play together as kids. Ah so nostalgic.

10635797_10152692727317608_6351010237341539924_n And then it’s time go back home..

Till next time, insha Allah.

Story of a Ruler and Social Anxieties

I was telling my mom an incident that happened to me during childhood in Melaka, where my mom bought me a really pretty and big plastic Minnie Mouse ruler and I even kept the plastic because I liked it so much when a 12 year old girl came up to me, asked to look at my pretty pencilcase and took it away from me. Not to mention I actually walked on foot to another village in search of this girl. I was 7.

So it goes a friend of mine had a Mickey Mouse ruler, and when I went out shopping with my mom I saw a Minnie Mouse version and mom got it for me. I was so happy (I’m a girl I love stationery) and brought it to school. Carefully I kept it back in its plastic cover after using it. That afternoon after school I packed my whole pencil case and walked in the Sun to my neighbour’s house. Her house and my house were separated by a huge drain which the rowdy, tough chick like I am used to cross via the drainage pipe but that day, I was carrying my beloved pencilcase (I am a girl).

As I was walking (it’s a long walk) a big girl, about 12, on her bike stopped me to admire my pencilcase. She asked if she could see it. I said sure, the point of pretty stuff is to be seen anyway. And then she took out my beautiful Minnie Mouse ruler. She told me she needed a ruler and she wants to borrow mine and will return it. What do you say to a girl three times bigger than you on a big bike? You don’t say no, you just say yes.

She never returned it. I remember waiting for her outside my house (she usually cycles outside) but she never came. Once I saw her cycling as usual, ran to her and asked her for my ruler, she cried “I left it at home!” So I waited and waited again. One day I couldn’t stand it anymore I, without knowing where she lived in the first place, set off to walk towards the village on my own. It was the year 1999 in Melaka, maybe a quarter of the place was developed and the others were still in kampong. I lived in the neighbourhood, don’t know what told me that girl lived in the kampong lol.

After that I only remember seeing her only once. We were outside and she said hi to my mom while ignoring me. I thought “How could you say hi to my mom while you took and never returned my ruler?”

The End. 

Mom asked me, “How come you never told me about any of this?”

I don’t know either, but then it occurred to me that that means I’ve always never liked telling people things that happened to me? Or did that incident make me sort of fierce? Or am I secretive?

I remember a girl hating me, for don’t know what reason either but I felt nothing. Again, my mom claimed that she knew nothing about it.

Could it be that I had no feeling therefore my mom didn’t see anything wrong, or have I always been great at burying my feelings deep down and then only getting them out here on her blog fifteen years later? That ruler was very pretty and I used to wish everyday I hadn’t lent her my ruler.

It’s like a Hatred Monster kept in a prison cell but its claws can still reach you and scar you, get what I mean?

The girl that hated me: I still remember her name and LOL just found her on Facebook. She looks the same.


Suddenly, last night, I had panic attacks over the thought of going social. My breathing went from lub dub lub dub lub dub to lubdublubdublubdublubdublubdublubdub and my hands starting feeling cold and I don’t know why, a surge of worry just washed me like a bucket of water being poured over my head.

Thankfully (maybe), at the same time, I was talking to an old acquaintance and I told him about what I was feeling. I have never told anyone about my social anxieties because nobody ever gets it, but since I told that old acquaintance, I shall bring it up in this blog as well.

I suffer from social anxieties. I am the real socially awkward even though that term is old now, but I’ve never used the term on myself because I TRY to be social and I don’t want to be awkward.

But why am I using it on me now? Probably because I realise that that’s what I am now.

I get these anxieties because people like to leave me hanging. I’m the person people come to talk to every now and then when they have problems and then leave me when they don’t. I’m their unpaid and uneducated psychiatrist/consultant/sometimes-I-remember-you-when-I-need-you-friend. That part, I don’t really care about. I’ve just been lending everyone my heart and ears and eyes for a long time that they didn’t know I have a mouth.

What gives me the social anxieties is the fact people don’t know how to respond to me in times where it doesn’t involve their problems, NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TO SAY. Nobody knows how to respond to my jokes, nobody knows how to respond to my questions, nobody knows how to respond to my conversation: they like to leave me hanging!

Which leaves me with this two questions: Why? and Why?

I can come up with anything people say or tell me, as long as you don’t leave me hanging.

I rather have someone tell me with a “touché” to recognise my genius than not say anything. Yes, be aware and let me know you know of my ability to leave everyone literally speechless.

I feel unliked/disliked all the time over this that I prefer to just sit in my own shell and laugh at what a genius wordplayer I am.

The other day I saw an question, “Do you think it’s humane to eat meat?” and that person replies “I think it’s okay once in a while.” I thought that wasn’t an in-depth, not well thought of answer at all! WHY IS IT ONLY OKAY ONCE IN A WHILE? Why would you be interested in asking someone who doesn’t think when he answers?

Just because he’s popular and takes cute selfies of course!

And then people will tell me they feel sad for me I don’t have friends.

It’s just that nobody knows how to handle geniuses like me. *flips my fabulous unfashionable tudung*


A couple weeks ago I signed up for a private Quran class and alhamdullilah today was my first lesson.

I signed up for the Level 5 (final level) “Advanced” Class when I didn’t even join their first class lol. The Ustazah said I performed better than expected, which is okay I guess. She said some of my letters pronunciations are weak – that’s because we don’t have the letters in the English language so my muscles were not trained. Hm.

She also said that while my pronunciations could have passed as a “non-native Arabic speaker tongue”, the graduate of this Level 5 course needs her pronunciations to be perfect. I signed up for the ijazah course since I’m practically at the same time teaching Quran without a certificate lol.

What’s an ijazah?

An ijazah (Arabic: الإِجازَة ‎) is the grant of permission or authority usually represented by a certificate to indicate that one has been authorized by a higher authority to transmit a certain subject or text of Islamic knowledge.

So just to write them here for future reference, I have Quran classes on:

Monday – Thursday mornings
Monday and Wednesday afternoons
Saturday nights

For the past whole month I neither taught nor learnt anything about the Quran, and I think that kinda explains my nonsense and disconnection from everything I think. Sigh oh Fifi, so weak.

I’ve been invited to teach. I don’t want to go into details yet but yeah lol, who would’ve thought? All my life I said I don’t ever want to be a teacher yet everyone asks me if I’m a teacher because I look like it and I get this opportunity I might take just for the experience.

I might want to take up Korean seriously. But for what? I haven’t found a good concrete reason for me to invest my time in this foreign language looooooooooooooooool.


When I was 6 my dad Photoshopped my birthmark off my K2 graduation picture and asked me if I wanted it removed. I hated how I looked and said no. I thought I looked like a stranger, someone I didn’t know. Someone who wasn’t me.  Six year old me didn’t like her.

Ten years later that same birthmark I didn’t want removed started giving me problems like bleeding,  as if begging to be removed.

For four years now I’ve been wearing that stranger’s face. Somehow I tapped on my six year old’s memory about not liking my face without my birthmark. Hey I’m okay with it being gone now, but I feel like I’m at the peak of my self consciousness and lack of self-confidence.

I wear a freaking surgical mask when I go out. I stopped smiling in pictures. I no longer look at people in the eye when we talk.

It’s not due to the fact that I’m not doing “anything”, I think. I’ve been approached by really cool people to do things I’ve only dreamed of doing and I have taken a few key steps towards my goal in life yet my issues with myself are mountains high.

An old friend asked me what’s wrong, and I told her I think I’ve no confidence. Her reply, “You’re Fifi. Where got no confidence. You always bounce back no matter what.”

I changed topics because I really don’t know how to react to that. Is that what she remembers me for? How come I don’t remember that about myself? If only people realised how serious this is. It is to me. Ha.

I’m also no longer articulate. I don’t even know how to complete a sentence in speech. That’s probably because I’ve found myself no longer bothered to argue or try to explain anything to people so I just leave it hanging.

Constantly trying to tell myself that I am great at what I do, I am an independent woman, life works for me and believe it or not I BELIEVE in them. Yes! I am great at what I do, yes I can do things on my own and Life Works For Me but I still don’t know why I hesitate to smile or think about how ugly I look when I smile etc.

I think I should start eliminating the BUTs in my life. Let’s try this again:

Dear Fifi,

A few hours Jakarta Trip

Flew solo to bring my siblings back home. I don’t want to reveal much so here are some captioned pictures:


Cute plane


Figured out the air in plane is bad for my skin


Posted this on Facebook for security reasons. The cab number there lol.






Girl’s Dorm


My sister being my sister scolding people or smth


My baby siblings


So scary looking


Sat alone in the flight throughout lolz