The answer to my question Can Man and Woman Be “Just Friends” is an obvious one: No.
I gave it a pretty long thought to come up with that one-word, two letters answer.
A couple years ago I thought about this and 15 year-old me answered “Of course they can! Why can’t we be just friends? I feel nothing for him! Nothing will happen!”
Now, thinking about it: nope nope nope nope nope.
What I think FRIENDS mean: mutual care for each other without feelings of romance or sexual desires.
Please don’t think I’m being braggy/draggy whatsoever, if you’re a girl I know you are going through what I went through and maybe agree with some points of this blog.
I preferred being “friends” with guys over girls. I just felt that I clicked better with guys than with girls. No girl sane enough would like to mix with my kind of weird and “humour”.
Let’s say you’re in a group of guys where you’re the only girl. You either give your “attention” to only one guy or give equal “attention” to all of them. Attention here refers to cheer up/good morning texts, motivation etc. We felt it’s okay because that’s who we are, we are friendly and we are also naive and stupid for thinking that friendship with guys can work that way without them falling for us.
Here, in Nouman Ali Khan’s mini lecture, he said girls are naive and that we don’t realise the “elaborate scheming of men” befriending the girls. This coming from a guy himself, so I trust he knows what he’s saying.
After watching this video thinking about what they said; though I may not have realised it then, I realise now that of all the guys I’ve befriended at least 80% have confessed to me that they’re somehow one way or another attracted to me.
I would laugh at how ridiculous it sounds, because I did nothing to attract anyone; I’m just being me. I’d ignore the confession and the next thing I knew we’d have grown apart. I didn’t really think anything about it because I thought I’m not the sort to brood over a friendship that didn’t work over distance…
But I was wrong. It’s not because of distance. It was the fact that he liked me, and I didn’t return the feelings so he just moved on to find another girl who eventually will.
Guys can be so funny sometimes huh?
Is that all they see in us? Love? Fulfillment? Bucket lists?!
Girls, please, please please for the sake of our fragile little hearts, please do not submit to anyone who wants you without marriage. Marriage seals the deal and anything before marriage he can do with anyone else. We’re only special when he wants to bring us home to meet his parents. AND WHEN WE CAN MAKE HIM KNEEL. Otherwise we’re just another one he shot and didn’t miss.
In Islam, there are no specifications saying that men and women are not allowed to socialise but
- the Prophet (saw) did not have female friends (we’re supposed to follow things he did you see)
- he also advised us to STAY AWAY from Zina. He didn’t say DON’T DO ZINA. He said STAY AWAY. Which means if you stayed away you won’t do it duh.
- LOWER YOUR GAZE
- NO TOUCHING
- and my favourite of all, the hadith “Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them.”
Number one is obvious.
Number two means if you think your “friendship” can be jeopardized by one falling for the other or something, stay away. If you really do fall in love then meet her father, ask for a proposal. I do not believe in dating before marriage for Muslims. I believe there is great blessings with love after marriage. No you’re not allowed to get to know me. Unfortunately my package did not come with a right-click-click-settings-properties to read about my details free. It unlocks itself when marriage happens lol.
Lower your gaze – your eyes are windows through your souuuulll. A guy can fall in love with you by just looking at your eyes. Therefore lower it.
No touching means no handshaking, obviously and definitely no congratulatory hugs and let me fall if I were to fall.
“Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them” will be my personal experience:
I understand that us women are needy too. We want to be loved and we are way more capable at loving than being loved. When a guy likes us we naturally feel flattered and think “Hey, why not give him a chance?”
That’s why I said I laughed at how ridiculous it sounds. Because I see myself as generally unattractive and uninteresting, “Why would anyone like me?” and I know many girls feel the same about themselves (there’s just too many fake women out there that us natural people feel inferior sometimes). That’s where/when these wolves come in and we feel happy someone actually likes us.
Because men are stupid and Men Are All Like That, they will break our hearts. If they’re man enough they’d come back to restore it or else we’ll just end up hurting over this wound. Pity and salute the final guy who comes to take this broken heart.
The reasons why I’ve never been in a relationship is because:
1) It’s haram,
2) I don’t want my future husband to be hurting from his previous relationship therefore I have to keep myself away from any relationships so it’s fair,
3) This video:
First heard this song when I was 12 or 13. Back then I was so inspired by this (I still am actually), how it tells me that I shouldn’t feel needy and I can do anything without a man. This was my motivation song, man. It tells me girls should be strong and independent.
HOWEVER, I think we girls NEED guy friends who are “just friends” so that you don’t fall easily when another guy sweet talks you, so that you’ll know when to exit when you see his friendly gaze change, so that you know that you’re not being taken for a ride etc.
I don’t have any friends now, and I no longer talk to any guys especially not the ones I just met (haram!), except for this guy named Hakim who somehow sticks around on and off since secondary school. I don’t talk to him when he has a girlfriend. Reason being if I had a boyfriend I wouldn’t want him to secretly nor openly talk to another girl and possibly complain to her about me so I will not be that “other” girl either, even if we’re “just friends”.
If he has his girlfriend, he doesn’t need to talk to me right?
Yep, that’s it. Guys at any one time should only have one girl friend. It becomes a definite factor when the two words gets combined. (should underlined because it’s a suggestion)
Anyway, “just friends” or not, me and Hakim are still haram. Which means yes, the above mentioned rules are applied: lower your gaze, no touching and “Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them.”
The hadith is applied to texting and phone calls too, you know. A one-way conversation between you and another guy is considered an “alone time” therefore the third party is Satan. How do I halalify this? My family knows my phone pin and they are free to read or check my messages with anybody they want. Once I met this guy everyone was keen for me to meet, and I didn’t want to talk to him on the phone (haram haram haram) so we talked online. My parents read my entire conversation without me knowing and I was embarrassed for him because guys are like that; they act so nice in front of parents but when they think they’re alone talking to you they become flirty lol. So embarrassing for him.
Back to my guy friend Hakim: This shameless girl, trying to keep up with the Islamic laws, asked him if he liked me. He said nope. I knew it, but just had to confirm it. We both genuinely know we’re not each other’s types which is why I’m somewhat more comfortable talking to Hakim because I know he wouldn’t fall for me.
1) Lowering the gaze: All street-smart girls know what “looks” from the eyeballs attracts men, so I don’t give any of that to anybody unless I need something (lol don’t read my blog please).
2) No touching obviously.
3) Travel with a mahram whenever I’m going to meet another guy.
A mahram is someone you can’t marry, like your brother or father or grandfather or uncle idk who else …your cat (jk).
This is how it’s permissible for a guy and a girl to be friends in Islam, in my opinion.
Hakim the Photographer who has an eye for good angled pictures said “Look at this space in between us.”
Salamahafifi the Modern yet Quite Traditional Thinking Girl replied “It’s called the Haram Space.”
“Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them” – the third party is my brother.
Oh shucks did I break a non-disclosure contract?