Well hello! What do I pay an annual fee to maintain this website if I don’t update it?
It’s 2016 and if I lived long enough by October I would turn 24. Around end of December 2015 I was at a bookstore looking at a small Feng Shui section to look for my zodiac animal’s predictions and stuff for 2016 and I couldn’t find the monkey on the cover. As it turned out the monkey was on the bigger display…because the Chinese zodiac animal for 2016 would be the monkey.
That’s when I realised I was turning 24. Oh, crap. I used to look forward to this year, because you know, I love numbers and 24’s my number and all that. I vividly remember, at sixteen, I told a friend that 24’s the age a man would propose to me on with his private jet as a gift; not with a stupid ringed jewellery I don’t wear.
Last year my father told me I’d have to get married by 25. Which leaves me with one more year of singlehood. I said ok, but it comes at a cost: a fully-paid-by-cash Pink Beetle for me. I’m a really simple girl.
With me falling in love solely for the sake of writing, I don’t know if I’d ever be able to achieve on these. I’ve never dreamt of having children. I like babies and their pure breath and innocence, but I’ve never planned on having ones of my own.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve found myself in love with everybody and everything. I’m in love with my security guards. I have a deep sense of love and respect for the size-of-my-palm spider that crept in my bathroom; for I stood on his land. I love the mountains and the river for their songs and beauty. I love and thank the trash for having served its purpose. I love the maggots for reminding me of how dirty my household is; for giving me the chance to cleanse everything.
But I don’t believe that I need to find my soul partner. How do you know if you even have one? I believe in soulmates, but I do not hold on to the hope that I have someone for me. I feel this is totally my belief and I am entitled to that, the way I don’t believe in gods and that ghosts could walk through walls.
I’ve been single my whole life. So I am surprised people are still wondering why I’m single. I don’t know, man. Isn’t it obvious I’m destined for cathood? “Aren’t you so pretty!” “You’ve really never met someone? Unbelievable!” I have met people and I am aware I am so goddamn beautiful (that’s why I never have to take my #OOTDs, because I am too fabulous for validation from people) but maybe the answer is: I haven’t met The One Human Being Who I’m Supposed To Spend The Rest Of My Life With.
My first and hopefully not the last trip of the year was to Indonesia. There was an accident on the road to the airport and almost missed the baggage check-in but alhamdullilah we were in the nick of time. I wonder what happened that caused the accident, and if the victims were okay.
Somehow, I knew the roads of Indonesia fine enough that I could direct the taxi driver where to go a couple of times during the trip. It’s pleasantly surprising, and then I realised I’m the daughter of an ex-sea navigator so it shouldn’t be surprising I have his genes. Meh I’m so boring, it’s like I don’t have a personality of my own.
I’m bummed I only had a few days in Indonesia because there are so many people I didn’t get to sit down and talk with, but that’s what happens when you’re on a schedule and not alone.
Came home and got all the laundry done in a day. It’s a first. I’m not wasting time, but I took a nap in the afternoon. Insha Allah tomorrow I get back to my routine of buying fish for cats and run other errands because I don’t trust my mother on her own and then I’ll wonder when am I ever going to have time for my own work. My life would be better shaped if I learnt how to trust.
My love for people is wide, but it is a finite factor where trust is the stopper. I’ve tried letting go and let people do things on their own, but every time I do people do something wrong. Maybe I’ll learn how to trust when people learn how to do things right. It’s a mistake to not allow other people to face mistakes, but I’d rather make the mistake than have someone make the mistake without me. Get it? In other words, I am kinda selfish to want the learning process to myself.
Oh well. Pretense cluelessness has always been the best self-defense anyway.